Ahh yes, the time has come to peruse the best and worst that 1989's pop music had to offer and to make those top ten lists although for me making this worst list felt really difficult as there just weren't that many songs that outright pissed me off as I generally liked a lot of what we got in 1989 pop music wise which basically puts me at odds with most critics who say 1989 was a baaad year for the charts however what did wind up on my worst list....whooo boy... it just stunk to high hell mostly in saccharine, clingy pop that I imagine even love song dedications radio DJs would be faintly embarrassed to play in 2022.
Regardless, here's the rules for this list, for songs to wind up here, they must debut on the ARIA year end chart for 1989 OR chart on the 1989 year end higher than it did on the 1988 year end. Also no dishonourable mentions as there just weren't enough worthy of ire, "Stop" by Sam Brown is just mediocre and really not worth hanging shit on.
So you got that? Good, now lets dump some musical garbage out at sea, beginning with...
Number Ten
If you have seen my worst hit songs lists then you will know just how much shitty cover versions piss me off, there's three covers that will make this list and we're beginning with a song that tells a year's old tale.... just a shame the late 80s had to turn it into a mess...
10. "Iko Iko" by The Belle Stars
I wish artists would understand the history of the song they are covering before they go into a studio and turn it into a clusterfuck like The Belle Stars did with "Iko Iko". The song originally written and recorded in 1953 under another title "Jock-a-mo" by James 'Sugar Boy' Crawford and his Cane Cutters and then changed to the more famous title in 1965 when The Dixie Cups made it a hit. The song tells the story of a parade collision between two Indian Mardi Gras tribes and the traditional confrontation between the tribes in New Orleans so what we needed in 1989 was The Belle Stars version being this heavy drums and pretty much noise that drowns out the vocals and oh God, I feel a splitting headache coming on. The worst part is that I doubt they even understand what the effing song is even about! Ugh...
Number Nine
Say what you want about "Iko Iko", there's much worse like this wretched effort from this one hit wonder that did not ring my bell at all...
"Ring My Bell" by Collette
I may not really like Anita Ward's original "Ring My Bell" but I would take it over this overproduced train wreck of a cover from New Zealand born Aussie Collette, the song is a disaster right out of the God damn gate with what sounds like a tennis player grunting or somebody having sex...take your pick and Collette's nasal voice delivery the verses like she's in the last stages of a violent head cold!. The backing vocals are badly placed and the wail of "You can ring my bell" just gets fucking annoying. I'm only ever going to ring the bell to place it on this worst list.
Number Eight
The fact this is only number eight on this list kind of stuns me considering just how much this pisses me off. Folks, this is how you should not take a classic Carole King song and turn it into monogenre garbage.
"I Feel the Earth Move" by Martika
1989 was the year of Martika, she had two songs make the year end for 1989 with her biggest hit being "Toy Soldiers" which, I guess, is fine compared to this disaster of a cover of a really sweet Carole King love song, let's start with the fact Martika yells "I. FEEL. THE. EARTH. MOVEUNDERMYFEET" which honestly rips out the charm and soul of King's original. Oh let's not forget that the piano was replaced by tired synths and whatever the hell the rest of this is, it's clunky and paired with Martika yelling, it is a headache of a cover...Carole King deserves better.
Number Seven
So Neighbours had spawned several singers by this time... Stefan Dennis, Kylie Minogue and this next guy on this list and if there is one thing I hate in a love song, it's the protagonist being overtly clingy or weepy when their partner wants to leave them...
"Too Many Broken Hearts" by Jason Donavan
Let's get the first thing annoys me about this song out of the way for a guy who doesn't want this girl leave him, Donavan sounds emotionless like singing this hacked out plea for this girl to not leave him is just something to do...that said, it does have the feel of being a Rick Astley left over that even he likely thought was bad. The music is pretty stock late 80s fare, piano, washed orfut synths and drums apart from that guitar at the beginning but the reason this song is here is because of the lyrics where she wants out of the relationship but Donavan can't let her go because he needs her body and soul and because there's too many broken hearts in the world, he is going to either fight for her to stay which is just....ugh...maybe she's had enough of being the adult in this relationship while v throw toddler tantrums and cling to her ankles like chewing gum on a shoe, Jason? Ughh, this song is just ripe with gross clingyness that it weird me out however there's another song that dips into clingy territory and is worse than this later on this list but this is still terrible.
Number Six
So I really struggled with where to place this song, I've hated it for years and it's revival in a car as where kids sang didn't help me feel anything but a deep burning desire to yell "FUCKING SAIL AWAY ALREADY, DAMN IT!" and now I have said that, you know what this it.
"Orinoco Flow" by Enya
I wish I understood the appeal of songs like this, mumbled singing until the singer, in this case, Enya squawks out "Sail away" repeatedly for a hook until your ears bleed and you realize 70s yacht rock is better than this. Yeah, give me Kenny Loggins and any of the yacht rock set over this boring chore of a song that yes, it sounds pretty but really it's also pretty much the kind of adult alternative junk that easy listening stations play to the annoyance of everyone listening. Also just the phrase 'Orinoco Flow" makes me think of toilets....flush away, flush away...
Number Five
You know, even despite how high this is, I'm not as angry at this as I am at songs lower on this list... time can manufacture distance from the song and the fact the duo didn't actually record it does dilute the anger however that doesn't stop the song from being here...
"Baby, Don't Forget My Number" by Milli Vanilli
So let's forget for the moment that Milli Vanilli didn't actually record this, they just lip synced for the public but just how clunky this whole mess is. The rapping sounds stilted, have no genuine flow and at the end, he sounds like he is asking a question rather than being firm in being there for this girl. Also has anyone associated with this mess heard of some actual drums and instrumentation that doesn't sound so watery,it literally sounds like they released the bloody demo! Thisisone of the music industry's most amateur moments ever and for somebody to have green lit this...ughhh.
Number Four
Okay, l'm not going to waste time, time to answer the central question of this song.
"Where Did I Go Wrong?" by UB40
Okay so the conceit of this song is this guy wondering what he did for his girlfriend to want to up and leave him...well maybe confront the major issues with this song like that incredibly annoying flute loop and the song lyrically makes the guy sound as clingy as Jason fucking Donavan, the song describes her as sounding completely done with the relationship so why are you whining about her being gone for good when it's likely she wants rid of your toxic ass...let her go, stop being toxic and stop making bad songs!
Let's not talk about UB40's godawful early 90s Elvis cover... we'll pretend that never happened, okay?
Number Three
Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya...just not on the back of this nightmare fuel...
"Kokomo" by The Beach Boys
The Beach Boys, one of the most influential bands of the 60s outside of The Beatles, returned in 1989 with possibly their worst song since "Barbara Ann" aka "Barbar the Ants" and holy hell, instead of driving down a woman's body like her body is back road like Sam Hunt in 2017 ("Body Like A Back Road" is still fucking repulsive), the Beach Boys want to fly the 'pretty mama" to Aruba, Jamaica, Bermuda, Bahama (They dropped the 's' off Bahamas to make the already stinky lyrics work) and not forgetting Key Largo (Bertie Higgins already did that, guys!) and Montego before randomly settling on Kokomo and suggest having sex on the beach and fall in love which is doing it ass backwards, you are supposed to fall in love before plugging your dick into her soon to be sand filled pussy pussy but hey the song does say they'll take it fast before taking it slow....NONE OF THIS MAKES SEX ON THE BEACH ATTRACTIVE OR SAND IN THE PUSSY APPEALING.
Throw in the washed out and lazy music, sleazy vocal delivery and you have a very unattractive music advert for sex on the beach in years.
Number Two
Not much needs to be said here other than ask why did Bette Midler record cats fighting in a bag and release it as a single?
"Wind Beneath My Wings" by Bette Midler
Oh God, just whhyyy? I know funerals need their music too but if this song was meant to be uplifting or inspiring....it doesn't work. IBette Midler literally opens the song belittling the person she's talking to by singing "It must have been cold there in my shadow" before launching into this cornball chorus where with person's help she can fly high than an eagle (she also used the eagle reference in 1991's "From A Distance" which is also a bad song that is right up there for worst of 1991) over a bland piano which has about as much texture as runny baby poo except you'd swear they are trying to make this saccharine blandness sound appealing...until it gets to the breakdown and the cry of "Fly " over and over leaves the distinct feeling that innocent cats are in a bag fighting in a bland song about somebody being a hero ... My final words for this are: RELEASE THE CATS FROM THE BAG!
Number One
So after all that, what could possibly be the worst hit song of 1989? Well let's go back to one of the themes of this list, clingy men not being able to let go and talk it over in bed with Grayson Hugh...
"Talk It Over" by Grayson Hugh.
So this wasn't going to be my number one at first, I thought the song was kind of bad, this weird attempt at late 80s downtuned Motown that would have seen this place low on this list but it was a closer listen to Grayson Hugh's braying delivery and the lyrics that shot this right to the top because....woooow, he has obviously cheated or done something to upset this girl and now he is pathetically trying to beg her not to do what she probably should and leave this thinking with his dick toxic douchebag by means by gaslighting (the "I can tell you still want me" line is such blatant gaslighting, it ought to be illegal) and asking her if they can "talk it over in bed". Dude, she wants to be done with you, the last thing she wants with you is sexy time...no amount of sex will fix your failing relationship if she has her bags packed to leave, you literally only want her in your bed in the hope your dick can make her forget that you were an asshole to her
This song made me feel ill every time I heard it, from the lyrics to the high pitched female backing vocals who can't harmonise, Hugh's abrasive braying and music that pretty much represents everything that was wrong with music in 1989.
"Talk It Over" by Grayson Hugh is the worst hit song of 1989. Stay tuned for the best list!
