We’ve reached the end of another year and it’s time to sift through the ARIA year end for 1992 looking for the absolute best and worst music the year had to offer so today we’ll be discussing the absolute worst songs of the year.
How was the music of 1992? Unfortunately, 1992 won’t go down
as an all time great year for the ARIA singles chart with really only rock
having an outstanding year, pop had its moments sure as did hip hop and R’n’B
but there was a LOT of bland, sappy and really generic music hitting the charts
this year that were really obnoxious with just how bland, boring and sappy some
of them were so I really just want to get through this list so I can talk about
the stuff that actually stood out as being good to great.
Before we do get to the list, I will go over the rules for
any newcomers:
1.
A song qualifies if it debuted on the ARIA year
end list for 1992, there are exceptions for 1991 songs IF they made the year
end list for 1992 and peaked higher on the 1992 list than they did in 1991 so
yes, “Cream” by Prince & the New Power Generation is eligible. Mercifully
“Addams Groove” by Hammer did not make the year end list…THANK FUCKING CHRIST.
2.
This is my list, my opinion. Please do not take
my opinion as fact or abuse me in the comments.
Now we’ve got that straight let’s toss some garbage music
into the rubbish bin permanently.
So as I said, rock had a fantastic year in 1992 so this
particular song leaves me asking the question: What’s the excuse for this song
sucking so god damn much?
10. “To be With You” by Mr Big.
In a year where rock from Metallica, Red Hot Chili Peppers
and even Guns ‘N’ Roses attained chart success and managed to also be excellent,
I am not sure just how and why this brand of lazy gooey shlock dressed as rock
music managed to get to number one and stay there for THREE weeks. What is
worse is that the lyrics seem like the early prototype that Shawn Mendes built
his 2016 (terrible) hit “Treat You Better:” around, this guy just seems like
the archetypal ‘nice guy’ who is telling this girl that her relationship will
soon be over and when that relationship is done, she can be with him because
why be with a bad boy rather than the nice guy?
Maybe this girl might be happier on her than with either of
these two guys and given the production on offer here with the vocal delivery
so loud that you can barely hear the actual music. Ugh, fate might have twisted
the guy’s relationship, but this was always destined to wind up on the worst
list for being one of the worst kinds of ‘nice guy’ bullying.
There are two covers that are going to make this list, the
first of which is from the soundtrack of a movie and gave this artist yet
another hit…just a shame it sucks…
9. “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston
Ooh boy this is going to get me into some trouble however I
get irrationally angry when I hear people say that this overwrought train wreck
cover of Dolly Parton’s 1974 hit for the soundtrack of the movie ‘The
Bodyguard’ is one of the great movie songs mostly because Whitney’s over the
top vocals on the chorus just feel so insincere and lacking, it feels forced
especially when you consider that the original version has Dolly deliver the
chorus in an incredibly understated manner without the theatrics. We know Whitney can belt but there really was
not a need here for the belting so yeah, I have no time for this cover or the
vocal gymnastics that make it complete overkill. Thank goodness we will always
have Dolly’s original. Whitney did so much better in the 80s.
So while Whitney Houston was belting her lungs out in 1992,
in the same year, Madonna was changing things up again…kind of wish she
rethought this song though…
8. “This Used to be my Playground’ by Madonna
This song was used at the end credits of a COMEDY film
called “A League of Their Own” which during my research for this list shocked
me because this song doesn’t sound like anything close to being appropriate for
a movie designated for a comedy film because this just sounds like it might do
of two things to somebody who, for some insane reason, chose to listen to it,
those being cry or they are suffering from insomnia and this song provides a
good sleeping soundtrack because unlike
most playgrounds which are bright, colourful and full of noise, this song is
shades of black, white and grey is possibly the most dreary song Madonna has
ever decided to record.
Seriously, there’s no conceivable way for somebody to enjoy
this song, it‘s too dull to really dance too and so slow and boring that if you
try to relax to it, you’d end up falling asleep. Madonna, I say this
unequivocally, you are so much better than THIS.
Say what you like about Madonna exploring being miserable,
at least it’s marginally better than whatever the hell this was…
7. “Sesame’s Treet” by Smart Es.
I am going to keep this short but if you must include the
theme song to a beloved children’s TV show in your noisy torturous sorry excuse
of a dance song that sounds like a gurgling drain half the time than you can
probably expect to land on lists like this one. Not to mention it sounds like
the children singing the Sesame Street theme sound incredibly pitched up and
kind of annoying to the point it’s headache inducing. Not the first song to do
that but this is the remix of children’s TV show theme that felt incredibly
unnecessary…NEXT!
Well, that was annoying but then again it could be worse,
take a song about that’s clearly about sex and inflate it with going to heaven
and you get this…
6. ‘Thought I’d Died and Gone to Heaven” by Bryan Adams
This wasn’t even the worst song Bryan Adams released in 1992
that thankfully didn’t make the year end list but my god does “Thought I’d Died
and Gone to Heaven’ earn it’s spot on this list with the levels of cringe not
seen since Adams inflicted his simp anthem “Everything I Do (I Do It For You)”
on the world in 1991 but at least that song had a weird veneer of sincerity to
it because “Thought I’d Died and Gone to Heaven” is basically about Bryan Adams
having sex with this girl and this girl being so good in the sack, he has
nutted or to coin him the song, he thinks he has died and gone to heaven yet
the instrumentation doesn’t match with the vibe the song is going for unless
it’s the loudest possible sex that wakes neighbours and triggers dogs to bark
three doors down with shrill guitars, the weird production on Adams vocals that
leave him down too low in the mix and those shouted “Whoa ohs” on the hook which I guess is supposed to be for “I’M NUTTING!”
This song is just all kinds of…no…if this song helps you to
get off than good luck to you but this isn’t going to be any sort of go to for
sexy time in my household any time soon…NEXT!
Well at least when the relationship falls over, I wouldn’t
go asking for advice from this next song…
5. “Achy Breaky Heart” by Billy Ray Cyrus
This ode to crappy relationship break ups and ‘nice guy’
guilt tripping was the biggest song of 1992 yet somehow nobody has called Billy
Ray out for this absolute piece of shit of song because this song is a pointer
of how immature this whole thing really is, he tells her she can do whatever
she wants as long as she doesn’t tell his ‘achy breaky heart’ because his
pathetically weak heart might blow up and kill him which just makes him sound like
a guilt tripping asshole because he is too weak to handle a woman breaking up
with him and Billy Ray doesn’t even realize just how much of an asshole he is
being here. Oh and that “woooo” at the end of the chorus sounds like sleazy men
at a strip club ogling the first dancer on stage which is just gross.
Anyway, Billy Ray Cyrus is now known for the much better
feature on a Lil Nas X song which is probably a good thing going forward…
You all know by now having seen my past worst hit songs
lists that bad cover songs grind my gears…well in 1992, there were plenty of
them and a lot of them were bad that I almost could have done a list of worst
hit cover songs for 1992 but then I remembered that one Australian trio had
cornered the market in shitty cover songs that deserved to be here so let’s
deal with that group shall we..
4, “Be My Baby” by Teen Queens
Okay really I could have thrown ‘Love How You Love Me” in
this slot here too because yeah, the songs are basically the same, take a hit
song from the 60s, slap a generic 90s dance groove over the top and include
vocals that are beyond over processed which is exactly what occurred to this
disastrous cover of The Ronettes “Be My Baby”, at least that group had passion
for wanting this guy to be theirs but Teen Queens make it sound like it’s a
chore or something to sing while busking out the front of a supermarket or even
worse cruise ship lounge singers that come on when every one is either drunk or
asleep and that’s when you can even hear them singing because the production
mostly comes in over the top of them. I may not like the original much, but
I’ll sure take it over what Teen Queens offer up here.
Oh wait...we’re not done with bad covers because…
3. 3. "Please Don't Go" by K.W.S
Probably the most predictable pick here but when you strip
out the warmth and sincerity of KC and the Sunshine Band’s original which was a
hit in 1980 and replace it with synthetic and sterile production and vocallists
who sound like they need having passion in their delivery explained to them
because they deliver the line “please don’t go” with the same intensity as a
two year who proudly shows everyone that he get his fingers up his nose which
is fine if we’re talking about a two year old digging for snotty gold in his
nose but it’s not fine in a song about a guy begging a woman to not leave him!
Throw in the usual 90s dance production and it just doesn’t
feel at all human or sincere, it feels like it’s just this computer programmed
mess which makes the song feel unpleasant and not something I want to ever
return to…
Well say what you like about the insincerity of K.W.S’s cover
of “Please Don’t Go”, sometimes it can dip way too far in the opposite direction
where the song just drips with so much sincerity that the song can become
unnervingly saccharine and nonsensical…
2. “Save The Best for Last” by Vanessa Williams.
Ordinarily a song that’s somehow both saccharine sweet but
incredibly dull wouldn’t snare a spot on a list like this especially as you can
tell this was an attempt to cash in on the Mariah Carey type of artist, I’d
generally look upon it as bland and move on even though I actually think the
production here is pretty nice but what tossed this song so god damn high on
the list was the asinine lyrics that much like Whitney Houston’s belting on the
hook of “I Will Always Love You” are just cringey and overwrought eg: “Sometimes
the snow comes down in June, sometimes the sun goes round the moon” on the hook
is enough to make anyone roll their eyes…the weather has nothing to do with
this guy saving the best for last? There’s no connectivity to make the writing
to work here.
Also trashing the guy’s previous girlfriend makes you look
incredibly trashy here, Vanessa, and no, you and this guy standing face to face
does not make the world crazy. Ugh…time to move on …
So before we get to the number one, let’s talk about our
dishonourable mentions…
DHM1: “Pride in the Name of Love” by Clivilles and Cole
Yeah, wasn’t going to not put this song on a list like this.
You don’t take a great U2 song and turn it into a messy Eurodance song. U2
deserve more respect than this.
DHM2: “Everything About You (“As Ugly As They Wanna Be” EP)" by Ugly Kid Joe
As I pointed out with “To Be With You” by Mr Big, in a year
that was absolutely huge for rock music as a whole, there’s no excuse for this
crap excuse of a thing to exist. It’s lazy and by the numbers rock,
disappointing it was even a hit considering that in rock in 1992, you could do
so much better.
DHM3: “Love You Right’ by Euphoria
This could have escaped this list but the vocals on the hook
are just obnoxious, you try listening to somebody screaming ‘I WANNA I WANNA
LOVE YOU RIGHT!” over and and over again, you’ll find yourself reaching for the
earplugs eventually.
DHM4: “Something Good” by Utah Saints
Maaan, what was wrong with Eurodance and techno in 1992 that
we got messes like this becoming hits, words repeated into shrill incoherence
to the point of being annoying. We get it, your group name is Utah Saints, no
need to repeat it ad fucking nauseum
DHM5: “Beauty & The Beast” by Celine Dion and Peabo
Bryson
While there were worse bland ballads in 1992, this one got
to the point of being irritating in record time. Celine Dion is a better
vocalist than this song allows her to be, it’s an absolute dirge of a song.
So with the riff raff taken care of, lets get to the
absolute worst song 1992 had to offer and well…it wasn’t going to be anything
else…
1. 1. “James Brown Is Dead” by L.A. Style
This song is unlistenable, I can’t even get past the first
30 seconds of this piece of junk called “music” and farted out to the masses as
a form of audio torture with its painfully obnoxious noise made even worse by
the desecration of one of the great names of soul and funk music in James Brown. There’s nothing in this song that adds value
to the conversation around music other than the fact it’s completely disrespectful
to James Brown, there’s just nothing to be gotten from listening to it other
than complete frustration, it’s what I imagine gets played on loop by prison
wardens when they try to garner information from prisoners…that’s how
unpleasant listening to this train wreck of a song is and it’s the worst hit
song of 1992 easily.
Stayed tune to find out what I thought were the best hit songs of 1992 and find out the year I'm going to be covering in 2022!
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